Addiction(Kisses)

Kisses sweeter than honey
With a hint of brown sugar
With each and every kiss
I crave more
Deeper, Longer, Faster, Slower
Kisses making my head swirl
My knees weak, my heart skip a beat
With every touch of our lips
As you firmly grab my hips
My feel a tingle in the right place
With every breath on my neck
I can't seem to forget
Our very first kiss
Your kisses have rhyming & freestyling
My mind in a scramble
Got me wondering what to do
So I can get my next fix of you.
And like a drug you have taken over my thoughts
With each one counting down the seconds
Until I can experience that uncontrollable bliss of your kiss.

Pure Bliss

Today was amazing. I haven't this way since R.L which is very good. I guess that means I'm finally moving on? Its funny cuz I met him the same nite I seen my ex. And it was like right from the beginning the chemistry was on point. Now I'm not rushing anything cuz only time can tell everything will play out but for right now its like way to happy way to perfect. Something has to go wrong. I just don't believe things stay this perfect for long. Maybe I will find out he has a psycho ex like most of my other "others". And that's the last thing I need AGAIN. That would like 4 in a row. Oh well is it bad I'm expecting something bad to happen? I just want to prepare myself for it I guess. I don't want to be in lala land and then here comes this huge toronado that rips away my happiness. Ya know what im talking about?

Blah.

I seen you today for the first time in like 2 months. Things weren't the same. I mean being in your arms was cool but I don't get that same amazing feeling I use to. Maybe this wasn't "love". Maybe it was. Idk we keep saying things won't change but maybe they have already. I miss you though and maybe we just need to chill more to get that same old connection we use to have. Or what if its dead? I don't think I could handle that. I guess I'd rather be miserable with you. Than miserable without you. Shit im so confused. Your the only boy that makes me this way. I just miss our summer romance our song bust it baby. Our late night convos about nothing at all. Our play fights about plies and lauren london. Our other random shit.

Everyone Fucks Up.

One of my favorite quotes is by marilyn monroe
"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together". I couldnt put that into better words. Basically what she is saying is shit happens to make you a better person. And I'm finally starting to see that. I can't go back into time to erase my mistakes. But I had the opportunity I probably wouldn't. Sure I fucked my freshmen year. Did some dumb stuff with dumb people. Fell into countless game by very weak niggas. But I can honestly say that has made me into the very blunt funny sometimes crude you see today and I love who I am. Sure I still fuck up and fall into those SAME mistakes but hey sometimes its takes two times before you truly realize it. I'm so happy with the life I live right now. You might not agree with it but fuck off its my life. I guess I'm finally seeing that. My friends mean the world to me. My happiness is number one. I might look back in the next month and be like whoa janai your fucking up again but for right this second I'm having fun. And like Marilyn said people will walk out your life so you can learn to let go. And when bad shit happens just remember the good times are wayy better and they will come soon enough. Finally I can just smile because I am truly happy.

Here's to all the Good Guys.

So many girls let the nice guys go. The ones who don't treat them like shit, who dont disrespect them, dont call them out there name, who dont cheat, who dont lie go for the "bad guys". And I refuse to be that girl who cries to the nice boy about how crappy the bad guy treats her. So I'm breaking the endless cycle I found my nice boy who is funny, and sweet, and fine, adorable and everything I could possiblily imagine yet so much more. I let him go once and I regretted it every single day so I vowed to myself and to my friends if I got him back I would never let him go again. So here's to all the good guys out there my applause to you. Contiune to do what you do and eventually these silly young girls will see that they don't need the "bad boys" to be happy. Don't get discourage when the lil wayne wannable gets the girl again. Just be chill sit and be her friend. And one day she will come to her senses and see that she needs a good guy finally.

808s and HeartBreak

My Opinion on 808s & HeartBreak:

Okay, So I just finished listening to the whole cd only skipping one song and that would be Love Lockdown. My personal opinion of the album is I wish Kanye would have rapped more but I do like the real feeling behind each song. You can feel the emotion of heartbreak and I think the"singing" takes it there. This is Kanye at his most real this is without all the fun tracks on his other albums like Drunk and Hot Girls from Graduation, Goldigger from Late Registeration, and Breathe In Breathe Out from College Drop Out. And I think that is something that people got so use to hearing they were suprised to hear something completely new and different. There are plenty of tracks that I think were very good such Paranoid, Cold Winter, Heart Less, and See You in my Nightmare. Overall I think this cd gets 3 Gold Stars. At some point you have to rap if you consider yourself a rapper. But I do not think it was as bad as some people are making it out to be.

To My First Love: Music

Music means so much to me there are lyrics and melodies that can make me cry, laugh, reminisce, smile, and everything in between. My life has been changed ever since I TRULY discover music for myself. I mean when I stepped away from the traditional radio hits and found out that I love every genre. I love Neo-Soul the most. The lyrics the music the poetic feeling behind every word. I also love contemporary music the way the lyrics mean way more than they appear to. But Hip Hop will always hold a very special place in my heart like my first love. I grew up on Hip Hop. Not that stupid soulja boy shit. The real hip hop like Common, Talib Kwelib, Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Nas, and Jay-Z. There are so many more but those are my personal favorites. Hip Hop is not dead I refuse to admit that. Its just taking a slight rest to allow them weak niggas their 30 seconds of fame. I love music so much I want to be a journalist for VIBE magazine. Music gets me through my worst times and my best moments. I'm so grateful that God put music on this planet and I'm so grateful that these very talented artist share their skill with the world. Music has been apart of my life since wayy before I was born. Music even has an affect on my name. I was named after a Freddy Jackson song. My father use to sing to me when I was a baby all the time. That is why I have such a passion for singing and song writing. Basically I love music and I couldn't imagine life without it.

Same Story....Different Boy

Today I feel like shit I always get over looked for the pretty girls. The ones with the body and sex appeal. And I hate that shit. Don't get me wrong I'm not insecure or anything I'm just tired of being a second choice. I deserve Way more than that. Idk I'm just frustrated at the fact that I like someone but they are so interested in someone who doesn't even care. But I'm not gonna sit around and feel sorry for myself I'm use to it. What's new? But it doesn't even matter i guess it was a simple infatuation. Nothing more so I'm not even tripping that hard. He wanted nothing more than a pretty face. And the outrageous thing about it is we had an amazing connection I hope he sees that now that its too little too late. I write this with a condensing smile on my face because I know how this is going to end. Have Fun with your decision.

Someone Shoot Me

So I just realized that I have chicken pox. I'm extremely itchy and extremely cranky at the fact that I have to stay in the house for 2 weeks. I'm not suppose to be scratching but I can't help it I'm so frickin itchy. I can be around my sister or my mom b/c they both could die if they got chicken pox. Wtf? Don't most people get this when they are like 5. Nooo not me I'm 17 and now my body is like how can I ruin her senior year idkk let's give her chicken pox. Everyone is yay you can take oatmeal baths.. Why is that cool? That frickins sucks and it sounds absolutely gross.. Someone shoot me. Maybe if I'm entertained then I will feel better. Maybe?

You never know

You will truly never know who are your friends until you look outside the box. Some of the "coolest" people are the fakest ones. And the ironic thing is they are the one filling your head about everyone else being fake. Damn you do not understand how excited I am to get out of high school. I mean don't think im being naive there will always be fake people in the world but in high school literally everyone talks about everyone behind there back. There are so many people being cut out of my life for the simple fact that they bring to much drama. For the simple fact that I dont trust them. I can honestly say that half of the people that call themselves my friend i will probably not talk to once I walk across that stage. There are about 10 people that will lifelong friends. I mean dont get me wrong Im not happy at that fact that some people are being cut out my life. But I just realized they bring nothing to benefit me in the long run. And honestly that is the one thing that matters to me.

My Thoughts On D.L

So I have been thinking about love. Okay so R.L will always have a special place in my heart, but I wonder If im wasting my damn time on him when he has already had his chance and he fucked up. Now there is this other boy D.T who has been around almost as long as R.L has been patiently waiting for me. And I mean dont get me wrong I really care about him. But he is in school and it would be diffcult for me and him to make it work. I dont want him to think im wasting his time or im playing games because Im truly not. D.T if you reading this I just need time to figure things out. but you are special to me.

Rashad[maybe our hearts will meet again]

Well Im not even sure why your on mind so much today. Maybe because i called you saturday night in a spur of moment. Maybe because I recall you said you love me for the first time? Gosh you are the only boy on this planet i want to spend the rest of my life with but you will never understand. You will never truly get why I havent been in a sucessful relationship with anyone since you. Probably because even though i should hate you Im madly in love with you. Yes there are other people who i like and who have my attention but I will always love you. And to everyone who thinks it isnt love..It really is. Ive never in a million years shed so many tears over one person. I have never in a million years broken so many rules to be with this one person. You are in college now and I know you need to focus on that. But I hate the fact that i cant see you every day. I hate the fact that hung out with that girl on halloween. Because you love her to and you will always love her more than me. And the worst part about that is she doesnt even deserve you. She doesnt feel the way I do about you. But enough about her because it makes me depressed. Me and you will have a hard time being together because of how my parents feel about you. But I didnt care then and honestly i still dont. Right now I guess we are just trying to figure "Where we want to be" but i know where i want to be. But you gotta figure it out because to be in a relationship with someone while you are at school is just asking for failure. So I have to wait until you come home. Which seems forever away. I think about you every day. Everytime i here bust it baby i smile because that is our song. I think about the day when we were watching music videos in your bed. Gosh i miss you. We had so much fun together. Even when we get together now its like nothing has changed between other than the fact we arent official. Everyone tells me Im a damn fool for trusting you and loving you the way the do. Sometimes I agree with them. But this part of me will not let go of you. Idk.. i love you and i miss you.

Senior Year.

Last night was one of the best nights of my life.Laughing with friends and having a good time.For the first time in as long as i can remember I actually enjoyed my whole night I got out the house and successfully had a wonderful time. Although that night ended in a way i had not expected to it was still pretty damn fun. Basically I realized that is what this year is about have fun. Making mistakes. Laughing for no reason with your friends. I also realized that sometimes if you just let go you will have fun. I want to party every day now[lol] All i need is my friends, music, and laughter.

Idk what this blog was suppose to be about. Basically don't take this time for granted because when you look back you shouldnt have any what ifs.


11.15.08 [one of the greatest nights ever]